Mar 24 2016

Laying Low

Mr Stuff

I’ve been mainly offline for the last few months or so, not updating this and deactivating my Facebook account and I feel better for it. 

Every now and then this pesky memory thing hits me hard and there are people on FB that just remind me that I don’t remember them. I think moving forwards I might just have to unfriend some of them, mainly the ones I don’t talk to outside FB. I tend to put a lot of stuff on FB about how I’m doing and I don’t feel comfortable sharing it with some of the friends I have on there, even though I feel ok about sharing it here. 

So I’ll try to be more sociable in the next month or so since I do miss talking to some of the people on there


Jan 16 2016

If music be the food of confusion, play on

Mr Stuff

I have a peculiar relationship with music these days, there’s some stuff I remember fully and some stuff that sits in a very grey area. 

The other day at work someone played an Oasis album and while I didn’t remember the music I knew some of the lyrics which was really odd. The tune was alien to me, as if I was hearing it for the first time, but the lyrics were words that I knew and that was something I wasn’t ready for. It knocked me back a bit but I was able to deal with it. 

Then when I was having my tattoo finished off the artist out on some Deftones, a band in not too familiar with, and it wasn’t too bad. But at the end of the album came a big surprise, a song that I obviously know and must have meant a lot to me. The song is Drive and after some searching on YouTube I found out it’s a cover, the original being by The Cars. When the song started it sent a little shiver down my back and brought a tear to my eye and ,like many things, I really don’t know why. It must have been a song that meant a lot to me in the past so I’ve listened to it quite a lot, both the original and cover, in the hope that it kicks something off but it hasn’t. 

It’s annoying since I have no reference as to why I know these songs, some of which are a world away from the stuff I listen to but we must have crossed paths at some point. If only I had some idea when that was, or why some of these songs seem to mean so much to me


Jan 9 2016

Just shut up!

Mr Stuff

I had a bad health day yesterday, up at 4am and feeling like boiled crap. I still made it into work and did a days worth of stuff, in a way it helped as it was PAT testing with I find almost a form of meditation. But I was asked if I was ok to stay on a bit for some truck tips and I couldn’t, I was being held together by 2 cans of Monster and really couldn’t do any more. And for no good reason my head has jumped on that and is beating me silly. 

It’s been doing that a lot recently and I’m really not used to it. There have been doubts about things in the past, from what I can remember, but nothing like this. It feels like I’m at school being shouted at by a headmaster all day long and not many of my distractions are working too well. I can’t read as my head drowns it out, I’m getting little joy from playing video games since I get distracted from them by my inner voice.

So I’m going to look into ways of calming it down and CBT seems to be the first obvious choice. I just hope it can help since this is another new addition to my life that I could really do without


Jan 4 2016

No ragrets

Mr Stuff

Not even one letter

I’ve really struggled with this post, so many revisions and edits. I’m not sure where I was going with this post and at one point it turned into a self indulgent rant. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my past recently, mainly the fact that I don’t remember it, and whether I have any regrets. And I don’t, or at least I don’t have any that I remember. Wow that’s an easy one, or is it?

Most regrets people have seem to be around work or relationships, neither of which I can truly remember but know that whichever route I took to get here has been pretty good to me. I’m surrounded by great people that love and support me

Relationships
I only know of 4 relationships that I’ve had, and I’m still in one of those. Of the other 3 there’s a woman I can’t recognise from a photo and the other 2 that I chat to on Facebook, mostly about things I can’t remember about our time together but I really want to move out friendships past that. 

Focusing on those 2 I don’t remember any of the relationships enough to know if I have any regrets about them ending. I know they both have gorgeous families of their own, that it’s very obvious they love to bits, that may not have happened if we’d stayed together. Which is why I think regrets about relationships are fairly selfish, I wouldn’t want their lives to have been any different just because of me. 

That brings me onto children. I don’t have any and have never really felt grown up enough to consider it. I don’t feel like an adult, even though I’m married with a mortgage which are all adult things. And I’m not sure if I regret not having had any or not.

Work
I don’t remember much about my work but know, mainly from my CV, that I had a long career in games testing. From the post I put on FB it seems I was quite good at it and respected by the people I worked with. So nothing really to regret there as I obviously enjoyed it and am really enjoying the work I’m doing now and the people I work with are awesome. 

Travel
I know I’ve worked for a time in the US and travelled to Germany for work and have been to Finnish Lapland. Those are journeys that I know have happened, don’t really remember any other holidays or work journeys. And while I’m sure I could have probably travelled more I’m not sure if it would have made any difference to me, and I wouldn’t remember it anyway. 

So in the regret stakes I’ve found that misplacing my memories has helped me because I’d hate to be sat here regretting major decisions I’ve made. 


Jan 3 2016

Seeya 2015

Mr Stuff

It’s been an odd year, some highs and lots of lows that kinda balanced each other out.

My illness continues to beat me up although I think I’m getting better with it now, but it can still surprise me. Despite that I’ve been trying to get out more socially with mixed results, I’ve made it out to a few big things but still seem to struggle with just going to the pub with my mates. But I have made it out to 2 gigs, PWEI and Lounge Kittens, and that’s massive.

It’s also a year where I’ve been back in touch with some important people from my past, at almost the same time that I realise I can’t remember my past. Bittersweet much. And that’s been my biggest blow of 2015, I can clearly remember the past few years, vaguely remember back to getting married in 2005 but not much before that. I’ve spoken to people who knew me then, each telling stories of our past, but none of them have triggered any memories of the past. But I’m seeing a neurologist in February and really hope I can get to the bottom of this and that it’s nothing scary. I know my long term illness is serious but not life threatening but this memory loss is a big unknown and scares the hell out of me.

It’s also because of this memory issue and the resulting emotional state that I’ve been a lot more honest with people in the latter half of this year. It’s become important to me that people know how I feel, not that I’ve ever been shy about expressing my opinions. At times it makes for some uncomfortable conversations but it’s not been anything surprising so far, and I’m also aware that I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings just to make me feel a little better.

Anyway come on 2016, I’m interested to see what you’ve got planned for me…


Dec 21 2015

Ooh it’s a biggun

Mr Stuff

I had an idea for a FU memory issues tattoo and took it to the studio that did my last one. Gave them the brief and general idea and was booked in for a day session. 

On Saturday I had that session and after a chat to the tattoo artist the idea changed a bit, keeping the core image, but turned into a half sleeve. 7 1/2 hours later I’ve got the majority of a tattoo done and need to go back in January to finish it off, only 3 hours more work. 

And I’m really pleased with the result so far, the ideas he had work really well and even though it hurt like hell to have done in glad I did it. Roll on January 23rd

  


Dec 15 2015

And another

Mr Stuff

Hot on the heels of my last tattoo I’ve gone and booked another one in. It’s going to be another FU illness one, the last one seemed to improve my mood, and this time a big FU to my memory issues. 

I’m not going to go into detail about it yet, you’ll have to wait until it’s done, but I’m booked in for a day session to get it done. That’s 11 until 6 or 7 depending on how long it takes. Given my biggest so far was only 3 hours it should be quite the showstopper. 

I put a lot of thought into what it should be and fortunately found a pic to use as the basis quite quickly so just needed to build on that. But I will say it sums up how I feel about the memory issue and I’m really looking forward to getting it done, just not too excited about the 7 hours of pain


Dec 7 2015

I’m not trained for this

Mr Stuff

I was chatting with a good friend recently and a very good point came up, in general men aren’t really good at showing emotion, we’re just not trained for it. I’m not being chauvinistic in saying that, it’s all in our (my) upbringing. I’ve been taught to suppress emotions, bury it all down and hope it goes away. And you know what, it doesn’t.

Usually other stuff gets in the way and it gets lost, but right now emotions are mainly what I run on. There’s nothing to replace them, distract me from them or make them go away and I’ve had to learn quickly how to deal with that. It mainly involves a lot of crying, most of which has been when I’m on my own as I’m still unfamiliar with sharing that much emotion, I think Mrs Stuff may have been as surprised as me when it came out.

I’m also being very careful not to add any more to my overflowing bucket of emotion. I’m deliberately listening to music that I know is safe and not watching things that may set me off. Also not looking at Facebook when I’m at work, or doing anything else that may trigger another little break down at work. 

It’s a narrow path to walk but I need to deal with all I currently have before adding too much more. Although I know that in order to face this thing I will need to, but by then I’ll hopefully be better at dealing with it all.


Dec 5 2015

Vulnerable

Mr Stuff

I’m feeling very emotional and vulnerable today. I met up with Miss X last night and it was great, we chatted for hours about everything, including a lot of stuff about our past together. I only felt a little uncomfortable and once we started chatting the anxiety and nerves went away, although I was a bit emotional.

But this morning I was up at 3 am, probably a mixture of unfamiliar beer, stress, anxiety and maybe a little adrenaline. So I started the day tired, in pain and nauseaus to the point of rushing to the toilet a few times in case I vomited, not done that in a while. Oh and I was still quite emotional from last night. Then it hit me.

I started thinking about last night and that it was the first time I’ve spoken to someone that I have no memory of, everyone else has been in my life recently. And I felt vulnerable, sad, emotional, embarrassed and stupid that my memory has failed. Then came the waterworks, and I think it’s the first time I’ve really cried in front of Mrs Stuff. I feel so broken and all of a sudden it’s become a very real thing, something is wrong and has caused me to misplace my memories which also scares me a little.

I trust Miss X but others from my past could tell me anything and I have no way of knowing if it’s true or not, hence the vulnerability. So I’m going to face this thing head on, I have no real idea how yet, and it will cause me pain and sadness along the way but I need to know how broken I am. I can’t hide from it, I have a real problem and can’t call the A Team, so I’ll come up with a plan.

On the plus side there was a habit that Miss X has that was very familiar, I don’t remember it exactly but the image was familiar and comforting to me. Nothing else triggered any memories but I’m still taking that as a small win.


Dec 4 2015

Broken!

Mr Stuff

I’ve had a big fall in my mental state recently, I was doing really well for a while but have fallen a long way in a short time. I’ve no confidence in myself, I’m seeing criticism where there is none, feeling anxious about everything and generally very low. And it’s all been very sudden which got me thinking is this the Domperidone withdrawal I’ve been expecting?

I’m not looking for an excuse, as I do have a very stressful thing happening this week which could be adding to it, but that alone doesn’t explain why I’ve fallen so far so fast.