Sep 27 2011

Visit Good

Mr Stuff

I saw the Psychologist and it was a very good and positive visit. He was very impressed with my attitude and drive to try and get my life back, it’s taken a while but I am determined.

For the baby naming day, for example, I was determined to go no matter what my body was saying and this is a very good psychological outlook. I feel as if I’m giving less power to the illness and feeling (a little) better for it.

We did broach the subject of the Bath clinic but there wasn’t a lot of time left in the session so will discuss it fully next time. But he felt this was another big step, even though it scares me silly I think the benefit will outweigh the negatives. He did chuckle when I mentioned I have been offered BA milk (the kind they give him to get on a plane) and did ask if it contained illegal drugs, that’s when I said it was metaphorical.

So all in all good.

Sep 19 2011

Astronomy Update

Mr Stuff

The last month has been tough so my course has taken a bit of a back seat but I’ve nearly finished it and have just over a month to get the assessment in. Learning lots of interesting stuff but am currently unsure whether I will continue with another course after this one, cost and working hard to fix myself being the biggest factors.

But in the gaps between cloudy days, been a lot of them recently, I have managed to spy some cool stuff with my binoculars. I’ve seen Andromeda, and shown it to others, tried to spy a comet and had a glimpse of the Orion Nebula.

Once the clocks go back and it gets proper dark again I am going to borrow my neighbours telescope to get a better view of stuff. There is also talk of a few folk going on a small field trip to get away from the light pollution of Southampton and see what we can find.

I’m partly annoyed that I didn’t have this interest in science and stuff 20 years ago but better late than never.

Sep 19 2011

Big Challenges

Mr Stuff

I’ve not updated this blog for a while which is a bad thing, it means that I am internalising stuff, so time to get it all out of my head.

For the last month I’ve been feeling probably worse than usual and there seems to be no cause for it that I can find, so I’m thinking since it’s a neuropathic condition that it must be for subconscious reasons. That sucks, because I have no idea what or why it’s happening and what I can do to stop it.

One thing that did give me a lot of anxiety was my good mate Johnny’s baby naming day, yep in case you haven’t heard Johnny and Amanda have a lovely baby girl called Lois. The naming ceremony thingy was in the Platform Tavern, which involved going to the other side of town and well outside my comfort zone, and there would be a load of people there that I didn’t know. For a few days before it I was getting really worried and on the day decided that even though my body was saying no I would take control and go, which I did. We managed to stay there for a few hours and it was great to chat with some folk I haven’t seen in ages. Rightly so I was proud of myself.

That was a big step for me and has given rise to the idea of an even bigger one. A few times the Chronic Pain Team have mentioned that they do a stay-in week long course in Bath and next week I am going to chat to my Psychologist about going to it. Huge step for me but I’m hoping they can admit me and give me some valuable tools to help me get through this.

I’m a strong believer that there is only one person that can change my condition and that’s me. I’ve gone through the sad days of feeling ill and hopeless and now really want my life back. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Update: I just had a text from Johnnie pointing out that I haven’t mentioned if the naming day trip was as bad as my illness filled brain thought it would be.

Happily nothing bad happened illness wise, no flare ups or other bad things. It’s great news as it reinforces the fact that I can go out and have a good time. And for the record I did have a great time, so it was much better than the big deal my brain thought it would be.

Sep 1 2011

Oh I’m Trapped

Mr Stuff

Like a fool I’m in a cage and can’t get out

I’m having a bit of a sad day today, really should make note not to only Blog when I’m feeling blue, and there’s stuff in my head that I need to get out. So since this Blog is designed to do that I’ll brain dump away.

We went for a tasty curry last night, one of my missions to get out more, and it was very tasty but when it got time to leave I was in a lot of pain, but that’s not that thing that got me. We were with some friends who are touring techs and they were having a discussion on travel insurance , which is a necessity for them, but it got me thinking about how I’m stuck in a roughly 1 mile area around my house. I don’t get to go to places apart from the local shop and thinking about that always makes me more sad. Mrs Stuff is going on holiday next weekend, girly holiday so I wouldn’t be invited, and while I’m really happy for her it makes me think more about how trapped I am.

These thoughts then bring up my big one – I can’t remember how it feels to not be ill. This is my big achilles heel when it enters my head, and I try to distract myself from it when it comes into view but that’s really hard. Once this thought gets there I find myself hating everyone who isn’t ill, it feels as if they are flaunting it in front of me by behaving normally. I know it’s not the case but try telling my head that.

I am really trying to be more positive and try to live with this but when a day like today hits it’s most definitely two steps back. I’m making a note to discuss this with my Psychologist as I’m hoping he can add to my coping mechanisms.

Sorry to be a bit of a downer today but I need to get this stuff out of my head, a big part of my coping mechanism, and out there in the world.