Jan 17 2012

Go me

Mr Stuff

After yesterday’s wobble there was really only one way I knew to combat it, to go back and do the work that needs doing.

So this morning I psyched myself up to go back in, and did. There were only a few bits, but important bits, that needed doing today so I methodically went through them. I took my time to make sure I didn’t make any stupid mistakes, given that the work involved sending emails and letters. And it all went well.

It took me about an hour to do the bits that needed doing and the guys there were really pleased that it had been sorted, really pleased with the work I had done. After yesterday that felt really good to hear and I left with a spring in my step.

I’m so glad I decided to try and overcome the pesky paranoia that was plaguing me yesterday and I’m hoping that doing the useful work today will help banish any such thoughts. It’s not going to happen overnight but at least I am on the road to improving my self confidence and confidence in my abilities.

But I’m still shocked that the thoughts came along at all. I was in full time work for a long time and can’t remember a time that I questioned my abilities, and I don’t want to think about what horrors my head will throw at me next. But now is not the time to think about that, today is for celebrating a win.

Jan 16 2012

Why won’t you let me enjoy it?

Mr Stuff

So I’ve been keeping up with the voluntary work but seem to have hit a bit of a block in my head. Even though I am fairly sure I’m doing useful stuff my brain is getting paranoid that I’m not doing very well, being useful or needed.

It doesn’t help that my turning up is sporadic and at the whim of my pesky illness but I can’t help the thoughts. Today, for example, I popped in to do some database and email cleanup but couldn’t stay for long as my guts really wanted me to go home. As I left and said I’d be back tomorrow I just got the feeling that I was wasting their time. I know it’s probably just in my head but it’s a powerful feeling that I can’t seem to get rid of.

I’m planning on going in tomorrow morning to do some more bits and hopefully I’ll be able to do enough to please myself, as well as them.

Jan 6 2012

It’s just a wobble, move on

Mr Stuff

Not sure if I’ve mentioned but I am doing some volunteering work for a local charity who need some IT help, database maintenance and other bits and bobs. Hopefully it will make me feel useful again and build self confidence.

Well yesterday I was meant to be going there to help with their database, so I got myself all ready to go and headed for the door. But then it all went downhill, my legs turned to jelly, my hands wouldn’t open the door and my brain was going 100mph telling me how stupid I was. Then I was hit by cold sweats and had to sit down.

I have no idea where that panic attack came from and why it hit me and it really knocked my self confidence. But I’ve decided that yesterday happened, nothing I can do about it, so I’m best off putting it down as a wobble and moving on. I’ve come a long way in recovering my life and will not let this affect me today or in the future.

2012 WILL be the year I get my life back and fight this illness hard, nothing is going to stop me from that. #FU_illness