Day 2872, no change

Mr Stuff

I used to have a counter on here charting how many days I’ve been ill but removed it after day 1000 because it made me sad. Today I looked again at the number of days and it’s jumped to 2872, which was quite a shock.

A great friend recently shared another blog post with me all about depression, something that I kinda thought I had but it’s a very personal thing and hard to know. But so much of the post applied to me that it made me quite emotional.

I spend most days just doing things to waste time until I can go to sleep and start the whole process off again. The things I used to take great joy from, computer games as a big example, are just a series of trophies to gain right now. I still use games to de-stress and clear my head but I’m not enjoying it like I used to.

Destiny is a great example of this, I’ve met a lot of great people through that game, some of which I count as great friends. We would play together doing raids every week, it would be a great laugh and I’d get so many strange looks from Mrs Stuff from the things I’d say over the mic. I’d be counting the days until I could play again, my agoraphobia and social awkwardness could take a back seat for once. I spent more time with my new virtual friends than I did with my real life friends which sounds sad but it’s how I was. Now fast forward to now, with my added memory issues, and I just can’t be bothered to play it. Nothing has changed between my virtual buddies and me, I just don’t enjoy the challenge anymore which came as a big surprise to me when I first noticed it.

I keep saying that this memory thing has hit me hard and I really mean it. Maybe it’s just a thing that has bought a lot of other things into focus and made me think more about my illness and situation, it’s hard to say. All I do know is that nearly every morning I wake with teary eyes, for no reason I can explain, nearly everything I do feels like a way of wasting time until I can sleep and I’m a lot more emotional than I used to be (as far as I can remember anyway). 

2872 days and counting

2 Responses to “Day 2872, no change”

  • Matthew Willis (Immunechain) Says:

    Hiya Chris I can’t even begin to imagine what that feels like, and how you cope with them feelings on a day to day basis.

    The time on games we have played has always been fun and enjoyable, and even though the gaming seems like a chore to you now I hope we can continue to game together.

    I suppose the only real thing to say is try not to let the illness win and drag you down, (JUST REMEMBER YOUR TATTOO) and txt whenever you need chat or something to rant about you have my number.

    Catch you soon sir!

  • Mr Stuff Says:

    Thanks Matt, I found with Uncharted that it was just a race to get 3 plats. But I’ll keep going, gaming is what I do and I’m really looking forward to some BO3 co-op.
    I’ll also keep going with th group we have, joining the clan and meeting you guys ha just been awesome. Tommy and Miika are just like an old married couple and the Willis clan are all just great fun to game with.