Dec 21 2015

Ooh it’s a biggun

Mr Stuff

I had an idea for a FU memory issues tattoo and took it to the studio that did my last one. Gave them the brief and general idea and was booked in for a day session. 

On Saturday I had that session and after a chat to the tattoo artist the idea changed a bit, keeping the core image, but turned into a half sleeve. 7 1/2 hours later I’ve got the majority of a tattoo done and need to go back in January to finish it off, only 3 hours more work. 

And I’m really pleased with the result so far, the ideas he had work really well and even though it hurt like hell to have done in glad I did it. Roll on January 23rd

  


Dec 15 2015

And another

Mr Stuff

Hot on the heels of my last tattoo I’ve gone and booked another one in. It’s going to be another FU illness one, the last one seemed to improve my mood, and this time a big FU to my memory issues. 

I’m not going to go into detail about it yet, you’ll have to wait until it’s done, but I’m booked in for a day session to get it done. That’s 11 until 6 or 7 depending on how long it takes. Given my biggest so far was only 3 hours it should be quite the showstopper. 

I put a lot of thought into what it should be and fortunately found a pic to use as the basis quite quickly so just needed to build on that. But I will say it sums up how I feel about the memory issue and I’m really looking forward to getting it done, just not too excited about the 7 hours of pain


Dec 7 2015

I’m not trained for this

Mr Stuff

I was chatting with a good friend recently and a very good point came up, in general men aren’t really good at showing emotion, we’re just not trained for it. I’m not being chauvinistic in saying that, it’s all in our (my) upbringing. I’ve been taught to suppress emotions, bury it all down and hope it goes away. And you know what, it doesn’t.

Usually other stuff gets in the way and it gets lost, but right now emotions are mainly what I run on. There’s nothing to replace them, distract me from them or make them go away and I’ve had to learn quickly how to deal with that. It mainly involves a lot of crying, most of which has been when I’m on my own as I’m still unfamiliar with sharing that much emotion, I think Mrs Stuff may have been as surprised as me when it came out.

I’m also being very careful not to add any more to my overflowing bucket of emotion. I’m deliberately listening to music that I know is safe and not watching things that may set me off. Also not looking at Facebook when I’m at work, or doing anything else that may trigger another little break down at work. 

It’s a narrow path to walk but I need to deal with all I currently have before adding too much more. Although I know that in order to face this thing I will need to, but by then I’ll hopefully be better at dealing with it all.


Dec 5 2015

Vulnerable

Mr Stuff

I’m feeling very emotional and vulnerable today. I met up with Miss X last night and it was great, we chatted for hours about everything, including a lot of stuff about our past together. I only felt a little uncomfortable and once we started chatting the anxiety and nerves went away, although I was a bit emotional.

But this morning I was up at 3 am, probably a mixture of unfamiliar beer, stress, anxiety and maybe a little adrenaline. So I started the day tired, in pain and nauseaus to the point of rushing to the toilet a few times in case I vomited, not done that in a while. Oh and I was still quite emotional from last night. Then it hit me.

I started thinking about last night and that it was the first time I’ve spoken to someone that I have no memory of, everyone else has been in my life recently. And I felt vulnerable, sad, emotional, embarrassed and stupid that my memory has failed. Then came the waterworks, and I think it’s the first time I’ve really cried in front of Mrs Stuff. I feel so broken and all of a sudden it’s become a very real thing, something is wrong and has caused me to misplace my memories which also scares me a little.

I trust Miss X but others from my past could tell me anything and I have no way of knowing if it’s true or not, hence the vulnerability. So I’m going to face this thing head on, I have no real idea how yet, and it will cause me pain and sadness along the way but I need to know how broken I am. I can’t hide from it, I have a real problem and can’t call the A Team, so I’ll come up with a plan.

On the plus side there was a habit that Miss X has that was very familiar, I don’t remember it exactly but the image was familiar and comforting to me. Nothing else triggered any memories but I’m still taking that as a small win.


Dec 4 2015

Broken!

Mr Stuff

I’ve had a big fall in my mental state recently, I was doing really well for a while but have fallen a long way in a short time. I’ve no confidence in myself, I’m seeing criticism where there is none, feeling anxious about everything and generally very low. And it’s all been very sudden which got me thinking is this the Domperidone withdrawal I’ve been expecting?

I’m not looking for an excuse, as I do have a very stressful thing happening this week which could be adding to it, but that alone doesn’t explain why I’ve fallen so far so fast.


Dec 4 2015

No more Facebook (for a while)

Mr Stuff

I’ve noticed recently that my moods have largely been governed by my reaction to Facebook. Lots of posts have been making me angry and I feel that my circle of friends is getting smaller based on responses to my posts, which has been making me sad. I’m also almost back the the point where I want to tell everyone to fuck off. So I’m signing out of it, again, for a while since that seemed to help a lot last time.

Then I started to think about it and it’s because I don’t get out much to see real people, which I’m trying hard to change, that this has become the way I communicate with others. I know I write this too but I don’t write this blog to be read, it’s a tool to get things out of my head. And as a means of communication Facebook is less than perfect, which only makes me want to go out and meet the actual people more.

So that’s what I’ll do, rely a lot less on electronic communications and meet up with the real people. Which I know I’ve said before, but I need to reinforce it in my head because at the end of the day I’m in a bad place mentally and it’s very easy to fall back into my hermit ways