Mr Stuff

I’m feeling very emotional and vulnerable today. I met up with Miss X last night and it was great, we chatted for hours about everything, including a lot of stuff about our past together. I only felt a little uncomfortable and once we started chatting the anxiety and nerves went away, although I was a bit emotional.

But this morning I was up at 3 am, probably a mixture of unfamiliar beer, stress, anxiety and maybe a little adrenaline. So I started the day tired, in pain and nauseaus to the point of rushing to the toilet a few times in case I vomited, not done that in a while. Oh and I was still quite emotional from last night. Then it hit me.

I started thinking about last night and that it was the first time I’ve spoken to someone that I have no memory of, everyone else has been in my life recently. And I felt vulnerable, sad, emotional, embarrassed and stupid that my memory has failed. Then came the waterworks, and I think it’s the first time I’ve really cried in front of Mrs Stuff. I feel so broken and all of a sudden it’s become a very real thing, something is wrong and has caused me to misplace my memories which also scares me a little.

I trust Miss X but others from my past could tell me anything and I have no way of knowing if it’s true or not, hence the vulnerability. So I’m going to face this thing head on, I have no real idea how yet, and it will cause me pain and sadness along the way but I need to know how broken I am. I can’t hide from it, I have a real problem and can’t call the A Team, so I’ll come up with a plan.

On the plus side there was a habit that Miss X has that was very familiar, I don’t remember it exactly but the image was familiar and comforting to me. Nothing else triggered any memories but I’m still taking that as a small win.

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