Mar 24 2016

Laying Low

Mr Stuff

I’ve been mainly offline for the last few months or so, not updating this and deactivating my Facebook account and I feel better for it. 

Every now and then this pesky memory thing hits me hard and there are people on FB that just remind me that I don’t remember them. I think moving forwards I might just have to unfriend some of them, mainly the ones I don’t talk to outside FB. I tend to put a lot of stuff on FB about how I’m doing and I don’t feel comfortable sharing it with some of the friends I have on there, even though I feel ok about sharing it here. 

So I’ll try to be more sociable in the next month or so since I do miss talking to some of the people on there


Jan 16 2016

If music be the food of confusion, play on

Mr Stuff

I have a peculiar relationship with music these days, there’s some stuff I remember fully and some stuff that sits in a very grey area. 

The other day at work someone played an Oasis album and while I didn’t remember the music I knew some of the lyrics which was really odd. The tune was alien to me, as if I was hearing it for the first time, but the lyrics were words that I knew and that was something I wasn’t ready for. It knocked me back a bit but I was able to deal with it. 

Then when I was having my tattoo finished off the artist out on some Deftones, a band in not too familiar with, and it wasn’t too bad. But at the end of the album came a big surprise, a song that I obviously know and must have meant a lot to me. The song is Drive and after some searching on YouTube I found out it’s a cover, the original being by The Cars. When the song started it sent a little shiver down my back and brought a tear to my eye and ,like many things, I really don’t know why. It must have been a song that meant a lot to me in the past so I’ve listened to it quite a lot, both the original and cover, in the hope that it kicks something off but it hasn’t. 

It’s annoying since I have no reference as to why I know these songs, some of which are a world away from the stuff I listen to but we must have crossed paths at some point. If only I had some idea when that was, or why some of these songs seem to mean so much to me


Jan 9 2016

Just shut up!

Mr Stuff

I had a bad health day yesterday, up at 4am and feeling like boiled crap. I still made it into work and did a days worth of stuff, in a way it helped as it was PAT testing with I find almost a form of meditation. But I was asked if I was ok to stay on a bit for some truck tips and I couldn’t, I was being held together by 2 cans of Monster and really couldn’t do any more. And for no good reason my head has jumped on that and is beating me silly. 

It’s been doing that a lot recently and I’m really not used to it. There have been doubts about things in the past, from what I can remember, but nothing like this. It feels like I’m at school being shouted at by a headmaster all day long and not many of my distractions are working too well. I can’t read as my head drowns it out, I’m getting little joy from playing video games since I get distracted from them by my inner voice.

So I’m going to look into ways of calming it down and CBT seems to be the first obvious choice. I just hope it can help since this is another new addition to my life that I could really do without


Jan 4 2016

No ragrets

Mr Stuff

Not even one letter

I’ve really struggled with this post, so many revisions and edits. I’m not sure where I was going with this post and at one point it turned into a self indulgent rant. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my past recently, mainly the fact that I don’t remember it, and whether I have any regrets. And I don’t, or at least I don’t have any that I remember. Wow that’s an easy one, or is it?

Most regrets people have seem to be around work or relationships, neither of which I can truly remember but know that whichever route I took to get here has been pretty good to me. I’m surrounded by great people that love and support me

Relationships
I only know of 4 relationships that I’ve had, and I’m still in one of those. Of the other 3 there’s a woman I can’t recognise from a photo and the other 2 that I chat to on Facebook, mostly about things I can’t remember about our time together but I really want to move out friendships past that. 

Focusing on those 2 I don’t remember any of the relationships enough to know if I have any regrets about them ending. I know they both have gorgeous families of their own, that it’s very obvious they love to bits, that may not have happened if we’d stayed together. Which is why I think regrets about relationships are fairly selfish, I wouldn’t want their lives to have been any different just because of me. 

That brings me onto children. I don’t have any and have never really felt grown up enough to consider it. I don’t feel like an adult, even though I’m married with a mortgage which are all adult things. And I’m not sure if I regret not having had any or not.

Work
I don’t remember much about my work but know, mainly from my CV, that I had a long career in games testing. From the post I put on FB it seems I was quite good at it and respected by the people I worked with. So nothing really to regret there as I obviously enjoyed it and am really enjoying the work I’m doing now and the people I work with are awesome. 

Travel
I know I’ve worked for a time in the US and travelled to Germany for work and have been to Finnish Lapland. Those are journeys that I know have happened, don’t really remember any other holidays or work journeys. And while I’m sure I could have probably travelled more I’m not sure if it would have made any difference to me, and I wouldn’t remember it anyway. 

So in the regret stakes I’ve found that misplacing my memories has helped me because I’d hate to be sat here regretting major decisions I’ve made. 


Dec 21 2015

Ooh it’s a biggun

Mr Stuff

I had an idea for a FU memory issues tattoo and took it to the studio that did my last one. Gave them the brief and general idea and was booked in for a day session. 

On Saturday I had that session and after a chat to the tattoo artist the idea changed a bit, keeping the core image, but turned into a half sleeve. 7 1/2 hours later I’ve got the majority of a tattoo done and need to go back in January to finish it off, only 3 hours more work. 

And I’m really pleased with the result so far, the ideas he had work really well and even though it hurt like hell to have done in glad I did it. Roll on January 23rd

  


Dec 15 2015

And another

Mr Stuff

Hot on the heels of my last tattoo I’ve gone and booked another one in. It’s going to be another FU illness one, the last one seemed to improve my mood, and this time a big FU to my memory issues. 

I’m not going to go into detail about it yet, you’ll have to wait until it’s done, but I’m booked in for a day session to get it done. That’s 11 until 6 or 7 depending on how long it takes. Given my biggest so far was only 3 hours it should be quite the showstopper. 

I put a lot of thought into what it should be and fortunately found a pic to use as the basis quite quickly so just needed to build on that. But I will say it sums up how I feel about the memory issue and I’m really looking forward to getting it done, just not too excited about the 7 hours of pain


Nov 18 2015

Say hello to my little friend

Mr Stuff


I had some more ink done yesterday and who knew I had a vestigial twin inside my leg. Well at least now he can see what’s going on, unless I’m wearing trousers. Hmmm maybe he didn’t think this through đŸ˜€


Oct 23 2015

Just get out of my head

Mr Stuff

I’ve mentioned before that music can be a trigger for me, it can kick off emotions that I have no context for and generally leave me confused.

The biggest example of this is the following song

About the time I noticed my memory was failing this popped into my head from nowhere and seems intent on staying. I have no idea where it came from as I’m not known for my love of squishy love songs, much preferring some angry German industrial. Judging by the video its from 4 Weddings, a film I know I’ve never seen and never will (can’t stand Hugh Grant) so no idea where it came from.

I’m trying hard to replace it with an ear worm better suited to me but this keeps popping in. Must try harder


Oct 25 2013

Farewell old me

Mr Stuff

Since my last post I’ve had more interest in my CV, which has been welcome. I that interest I’ve got one job that I’m still in the running for, at Microsoft no less.
Then today I had a call from one of the peeps over at OPM, a games recruiter, and a very frank and eye opening conversation happened. Given the big hole in my CV and the speed that the industry moves there is little chance of me getting back into games. So I’m left with a decision: whether to keep trying or deal with the fact that games testing is what I used to do and move on.
I’m still contracting to one developer on their current project but am thinking more and more that my future is elsewhere. So I think I’ll focus on non-games and non-testing roles, I don’t really have the relevant technical skills, and see where I get to


Oct 22 2013

There’s a hole in my shoe

Mr Stuff

And all that I knew was
The hole in my shoe which
Was letting in water

I’ve been keeping up with applying for jobs all over the place and given the results it seems I have a metaphorical hole in my shoe, the 5 years off work being ill.

While looking through other people’s CV’s in the past I’ve always gone with the theory that it doesn’t matter what your qualifications are, the most important thing is what you’ve been doing for the last 5 years. For me that’s been some work, a lot of vomiting and a lot of early nights. It’s a massive pain since before this illness I had a pretty much unbroken period of work covering 15 years of building a career in games QA that is pretty much dead now.

I’ve applied for a number of mobile games QA jobs, and not one of them has even given me an interview, not one. Given that for 5 years or so before I became ill I was running a successful mobile QA department you can kind of see why I’m a bit pissed about it.

As I’ve mentioned previously all of the other QA jobs I’ve been seeing all require programming skills since a lot of them use automated tools. I’m slowly learning my way around Selenium, one of the tools, but really don’t think that’s where my future lies. While I’ll keep an eye out for QA jobs I’m applying for all kinds of other stuff as well and will see how it goes.

There aren’t many ways of measuring your worth like applying for jobs and having people review your CV, and if the past few weeks are anything to go by I am worth fuck all.