May 18 2009

The day I went to the pub

Mr Stuff

The normal everyday activity of going to the pub has been something of a hurdle for me since I’m not that confident about going out, especially if it is likely to be busy. But there was a beer festival on at Nellies and I heard that a few people were heading there yesterday afternoon so Mrs Stuff managed to talk me into going. I was very apprehensive about going but heard hat it wasn’t too busy so along we popped.

As soon as I got there I felt very anxious, it’s the first time I’ve been out to the pub all year, but it was good to see people so I stuck with it. I felt very much as if I was wearing a mask to hide the fact that my brain was screaming at me to go home, but as time went by I became a bit more comfortable. After a few hours it all started to get a bit much, and I needed to take my meds as well as eat something, so I decided I was ready to go. There was talk of going for food, curry being the food of choice, but I really wasn’t up for that although Mrs Stuff was leaning towards going. For the next half hour or so Mrs Stuff was still deciding while nursing her pint until finally deciding to go for some food at which point I headed home.

Back at home I couldn’t be bothered to sort any real food so I had some crisps and toast, a fine and filling meal I spose. Then it all hit me, the exhaustion of being up since 3.15 and the mental exhaustion of going out so I was in bed by just after 9pm, it was still light outside and I felt just like I did when I was a kid having to go to bed early. But I was asleep within minutes and slept through until about 3.30 or so, not too bad given my hectic day and early bed time.

All in all not a bad day, I feel as if I’ve edged closer to conquering my fears of going out since nothing bad happened while I was out. It’s all about taking small steps and yesterday was one of those steps that is now behind me, tip top.

Mar 26 2009

I’m a living in a box

Mr Stuff

It’s probably more of a bubble than a box but the title appealed to me :)

Anyway I currently live in a bubble that is roughly a 1 mile radius of my house, it includes all the shops that I need to go to and my doctors surgery, if I need to leave this bubble I feel a bit uncomfortable. So I’ve been invited to go out and play some pool this afternoon with Johnny, Woz and Niall and until today I was quite up for the idea. But now it is the day of it I feel quite anxious about it, about leaving my bubble for a few hours and I feel disgusted with myself for thinking that.

I love playing pool, as many know, and I’m quite good at it so usually the thought of going out to play some pool is very appealing to me, I’ve even been known to go there on my own and practise for a few hours during the Xmas break. But I’m not sure I can bring myself to go today. A few times I’ve made it into town to get some shopping but that is OK because I can leave whenever I want to, but this trip will involve being outside of my bubble for a few hours. I wouldn’t call it a panic attack but I think that is about as good a description as I can give, and the shame that I feel about it is only increasing the bad feelings.

I’ll see if it gets better this afternoon and I am able to go, but at the moment I’m scared stiff about going and just want to curl up on the safe sofa in a ball.