Jan 16 2016

If music be the food of confusion, play on

Mr Stuff

I have a peculiar relationship with music these days, there’s some stuff I remember fully and some stuff that sits in a very grey area. 

The other day at work someone played an Oasis album and while I didn’t remember the music I knew some of the lyrics which was really odd. The tune was alien to me, as if I was hearing it for the first time, but the lyrics were words that I knew and that was something I wasn’t ready for. It knocked me back a bit but I was able to deal with it. 

Then when I was having my tattoo finished off the artist out on some Deftones, a band in not too familiar with, and it wasn’t too bad. But at the end of the album came a big surprise, a song that I obviously know and must have meant a lot to me. The song is Drive and after some searching on YouTube I found out it’s a cover, the original being by The Cars. When the song started it sent a little shiver down my back and brought a tear to my eye and ,like many things, I really don’t know why. It must have been a song that meant a lot to me in the past so I’ve listened to it quite a lot, both the original and cover, in the hope that it kicks something off but it hasn’t. 

It’s annoying since I have no reference as to why I know these songs, some of which are a world away from the stuff I listen to but we must have crossed paths at some point. If only I had some idea when that was, or why some of these songs seem to mean so much to me


Jan 4 2016

No ragrets

Mr Stuff

Not even one letter

I’ve really struggled with this post, so many revisions and edits. I’m not sure where I was going with this post and at one point it turned into a self indulgent rant. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my past recently, mainly the fact that I don’t remember it, and whether I have any regrets. And I don’t, or at least I don’t have any that I remember. Wow that’s an easy one, or is it?

Most regrets people have seem to be around work or relationships, neither of which I can truly remember but know that whichever route I took to get here has been pretty good to me. I’m surrounded by great people that love and support me

Relationships
I only know of 4 relationships that I’ve had, and I’m still in one of those. Of the other 3 there’s a woman I can’t recognise from a photo and the other 2 that I chat to on Facebook, mostly about things I can’t remember about our time together but I really want to move out friendships past that. 

Focusing on those 2 I don’t remember any of the relationships enough to know if I have any regrets about them ending. I know they both have gorgeous families of their own, that it’s very obvious they love to bits, that may not have happened if we’d stayed together. Which is why I think regrets about relationships are fairly selfish, I wouldn’t want their lives to have been any different just because of me. 

That brings me onto children. I don’t have any and have never really felt grown up enough to consider it. I don’t feel like an adult, even though I’m married with a mortgage which are all adult things. And I’m not sure if I regret not having had any or not.

Work
I don’t remember much about my work but know, mainly from my CV, that I had a long career in games testing. From the post I put on FB it seems I was quite good at it and respected by the people I worked with. So nothing really to regret there as I obviously enjoyed it and am really enjoying the work I’m doing now and the people I work with are awesome. 

Travel
I know I’ve worked for a time in the US and travelled to Germany for work and have been to Finnish Lapland. Those are journeys that I know have happened, don’t really remember any other holidays or work journeys. And while I’m sure I could have probably travelled more I’m not sure if it would have made any difference to me, and I wouldn’t remember it anyway. 

So in the regret stakes I’ve found that misplacing my memories has helped me because I’d hate to be sat here regretting major decisions I’ve made. 


Jan 3 2016

Seeya 2015

Mr Stuff

It’s been an odd year, some highs and lots of lows that kinda balanced each other out.

My illness continues to beat me up although I think I’m getting better with it now, but it can still surprise me. Despite that I’ve been trying to get out more socially with mixed results, I’ve made it out to a few big things but still seem to struggle with just going to the pub with my mates. But I have made it out to 2 gigs, PWEI and Lounge Kittens, and that’s massive.

It’s also a year where I’ve been back in touch with some important people from my past, at almost the same time that I realise I can’t remember my past. Bittersweet much. And that’s been my biggest blow of 2015, I can clearly remember the past few years, vaguely remember back to getting married in 2005 but not much before that. I’ve spoken to people who knew me then, each telling stories of our past, but none of them have triggered any memories of the past. But I’m seeing a neurologist in February and really hope I can get to the bottom of this and that it’s nothing scary. I know my long term illness is serious but not life threatening but this memory loss is a big unknown and scares the hell out of me.

It’s also because of this memory issue and the resulting emotional state that I’ve been a lot more honest with people in the latter half of this year. It’s become important to me that people know how I feel, not that I’ve ever been shy about expressing my opinions. At times it makes for some uncomfortable conversations but it’s not been anything surprising so far, and I’m also aware that I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings just to make me feel a little better.

Anyway come on 2016, I’m interested to see what you’ve got planned for me…


Dec 5 2015

Vulnerable

Mr Stuff

I’m feeling very emotional and vulnerable today. I met up with Miss X last night and it was great, we chatted for hours about everything, including a lot of stuff about our past together. I only felt a little uncomfortable and once we started chatting the anxiety and nerves went away, although I was a bit emotional.

But this morning I was up at 3 am, probably a mixture of unfamiliar beer, stress, anxiety and maybe a little adrenaline. So I started the day tired, in pain and nauseaus to the point of rushing to the toilet a few times in case I vomited, not done that in a while. Oh and I was still quite emotional from last night. Then it hit me.

I started thinking about last night and that it was the first time I’ve spoken to someone that I have no memory of, everyone else has been in my life recently. And I felt vulnerable, sad, emotional, embarrassed and stupid that my memory has failed. Then came the waterworks, and I think it’s the first time I’ve really cried in front of Mrs Stuff. I feel so broken and all of a sudden it’s become a very real thing, something is wrong and has caused me to misplace my memories which also scares me a little.

I trust Miss X but others from my past could tell me anything and I have no way of knowing if it’s true or not, hence the vulnerability. So I’m going to face this thing head on, I have no real idea how yet, and it will cause me pain and sadness along the way but I need to know how broken I am. I can’t hide from it, I have a real problem and can’t call the A Team, so I’ll come up with a plan.

On the plus side there was a habit that Miss X has that was very familiar, I don’t remember it exactly but the image was familiar and comforting to me. Nothing else triggered any memories but I’m still taking that as a small win.


Nov 25 2015

Shipwrecked in my past 

Mr Stuff

I’ve been thinking of ways to try and make it easier for people to understand my memory issues, which I know can be tough. The best I’ve come up with, with a little help, is a shipwreck metaphor.

I’ve been shipwrecked in my past, left floating alone in an empty ocean, clinging to anything I can find. The things I cling to can be people, who I see as islands, music or other little stimuli, I see as driftwood, and fleeting feelings and emotions, floating debris that is always out of reach.

This also comes with the fear that any islands I find will be desolate and unforgiving, driftwood could sink just as I get to it and I may never be able to reach the other floating debris. But I need to try and get to any support/shelter/safety I can find which means it will dominate my time for a while as I discover whether it’s a good thing for me or not. (Anyone else feel I’m getting carried away with this metaphor?)

I’ve also stopped saying I’ve lost my memory, I’ve temporarily misplaced it and it may come back. But it may not and I’m comfortable with that now, I think. But for now I’m floating along surrounded by a few islands in the distance, lots of floating driftwood and a field of debris slowly floating away, but there’s hope of a rescue when I see the neurology folk in January.

Then there is always the option that I just leave the past where it is. I’m still me whether I remember go I got here or not. But the problem with that is the emotions and feeling I often get, some move me to my very core, that I just can’t ignore. I need to explore them and see where they came from and see why they sometimes have such an effect on me. So I’m destined to remain floating around until I know more about why I’ve been shipwrecked in the first place.


Nov 18 2015

Right brain we need to talk

Mr Stuff

I had a new tattoo done yesterday and was really excited about it, so the going into town and 2 hours spent in the tattoo studio were all ok for me. Once it was done I had plans to go and see my oldest buddy, which I was also ok with, although I was starting to feel a little anxious. But I can do this.

I wandered into a pharmacy to get some bepanthen and moisturising shower gel, got to look after new ink, and all was still good. Then as I wandered past a big shopping centre I saw Miss X, my ex and first love that I’m confused about. That just spun my head into a frenzy.

I wasn’t expecting to see her and I become shy, confused, a little lost and just needed to get home. To put this into some perspective our relationship was over 20 years ago and I don’t know why I’m reacting like this. So I booked it straight home.

I let Johnny know I wasn’t coming round and why, which triggered a long phone call. During which I made it clear that I love Mrs Stuff to bits, I don’t want to think about how I could have dealt with illness without her, and I’m not going to try to get back with my ex. So that’s all good.

But it felt to me as though we’d recently split and I was in “avoiding” mode. Fair to say it’s doing my fucking head in at the moment. I’m in a full on break up funk for a relationship that ended over 20 years ago with someone I have seen since then, as far as I know. Sad songs speak to me so I avoid them.

It just makes no sense. I’ve been happily married for 10 years and no reason for there not to be decades more. But without the memories I’m a slave to my emotions and am trying hard to rationally deal with it. I’ve had chats with both Mrs Stuff and Miss X (FB pm) and they’re both fine with all this which is great, but I’m not. My head is in conflict and I need to snap the fuck out of it before I risk my marriage as Mrs Stuff gets bored of hearing about it.


Nov 4 2015

It’s a kind of remembering

Mr Stuff

The other day I stumbled across an old diary I kept in my late teens and early twenties and it was full of stuff that I really should remember. 

The majority of it is whiny crap, the sort of stuff you’d expect from a shy young man, and was quite embarrassing. But there were some big revelations, it mentions the woman I lost my virginity to, Lucie, and I can’t even recognise her from a picture these days. I was a late bloomer so that was in my twenties, but it mentions that I lied about it to save myself from embarrassment of being a virgin, such a silly thing to give a shit about. So much for you’ll never forget your first 😉

It also mentions the woman who was my first love, which makes sense to me given the emotions I get when I see pictures of her. Without the memories of being together and breaking up that’s a tough one to deal with, but knowing Mrs Stuff is by my side makes that a lot easier. 

Also some friends that were my entire world back then are big in the diary but forgotten in my head, sorry Big Stew, Alex and Julie. 

So, as is the way, I burnt the damned thing. I don’t want to have forced memories that I can’t truly remember, and that’s what was in there. It read like an extension of the Adrian Mole diaries and not my past.

There’s another quick snapshot of the crap I’m dealing with right now for ya. It’s not pleasant and I’ve retreated so far into my shell that there’s little daylight coming through but I’ll fight my way back out. It might just take a little while 


Oct 23 2015

Just get out of my head

Mr Stuff

I’ve mentioned before that music can be a trigger for me, it can kick off emotions that I have no context for and generally leave me confused.

The biggest example of this is the following song

About the time I noticed my memory was failing this popped into my head from nowhere and seems intent on staying. I have no idea where it came from as I’m not known for my love of squishy love songs, much preferring some angry German industrial. Judging by the video its from 4 Weddings, a film I know I’ve never seen and never will (can’t stand Hugh Grant) so no idea where it came from.

I’m trying hard to replace it with an ear worm better suited to me but this keeps popping in. Must try harder